गुंजाइशे गूंज रही थी
गुमनाम मैं घूम रही थी
गर गुमसुम सी आंखें गुम थी कही ,
देखी दिखाइ दुनिया देख चुकी थी
दीवार और दरवाज़े दस्तक को छिपा चुकि थी,
दिल, धड़कन, और दिमाग दूर कही दौड़ रहे थे
मगर कदम कही करजे़ मे कैद थे,
किस्मत के कानून की अपनी अलग कार्यवाही थी
कैद में मै एक केदी और बाकी हर जगह खुशियो कि आबादी थी ।।
-आई (i)
AA
i missed light. i missed the very warmth of the sun. It seemed like forever to me without that golden gleam. i always had been scared of suffocation and almost allergic to darkness. It was planned. Thinking was pulled effortlessly by its child, Negativity. i hadn’t still realized that the mother of all the suffering was my thinking that became a being of its own. An actual personification. It was meant to happen, i couldn’t believe how life could turn upside down at this point. It appeared unfair and unexpected. It indeed was unfair, expectations started to die gradually. Indifference glided in the scenario soon enough when the darkness stopped eating me. The sloth, born after darkness, was a friend in need, or was it? The comfort it allowed me was like a gift. Sleep seemed light. i felt lighter by the weight of Thinking, Negativity, and Darkness. i could just put aside all the all the torture for the sake of sloth. Sloth was a pain-killer and yes, temporary.
Procrastinating the Negativity in sloth was easy. At least there was a relief for a time being. i knew that sloth is one of the seven deadly sins and yes i could be a sinner; who isn’t. But for me sloth sat on my lap like a kitty i never had, a pet i would like to play chase game with. And We did play. It chased me, i chased it. Meeting with sloth was like a moment of glory. i wrestled with the world of words in and out of myself and got defeated with Negativity and Darkness. But it didn’t matter as i loved to lose the most by sloth. There was a surrender and i had no sense of being trapped. The bars behind which i was, the metal steels bars which had locked me inside, and the stern jailers ceased to be unfriendly.
In life we all would meet our self at that certain point, which i believe we all do arrive sooner or later, which would be like a prison. For me it was then. Suddenly i was caught hold and struck with my negative thoughts and it brought me hell on earth. Satan after being thrown away from the garden of Eden did say something similar to this situation i was in. He said, “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, and hell of heaven”. i had been imprisoned in my own prison, i had strangulated my mind, soul, and body.
i divide my Prison Diary into three phases. First is the Unconscious Capture where unknowingly you lock yourself up and hide the key of happiness in some safe place only to forget it in a strange kind of amnesia later. Second is the Panic of the Unknown which is pitiable. Here lies all the torment which one can later fear to travel back, it blocks memory of the happy times and curse the smile. Third is the Stockholm Syndrome and also called Capture-bonding, it basically is a psychological term where the hostage develops an intimacy with its captor mostly for survival. This phase is risky, one may break out of it or might just never. But they say, “nothing lasts forever”, and thus there is an additional phase of prison-hood called The Percy Jackson Effect. This needs explaining. i saw a movie in my third phase which actually redirected me to my fourth and thus i named the phase after the character in the lead. Percy Jackson and the Olympians : The Lightening Thief was the one movie i accidentally watched, though i didn’t see the whole movie but the scene i was required to. Percy and his friends are in a casino. Being in a casino isn’t bizarre but being there for five days and having no clue about it is. The movie is based on Greek mythology and had its influence from the same source. In search of the third pearl (part of his conquest) he is taken to Lotus Casino in Las Vegas where he and his two friends eat Lotus flowers (a snack served in the casino). This Lotus flower snack is a spell to forget the reason to leave the casino and stay there forever.
Nine whole days
I was borne along by rough, deadly winds
on the fish-infested sea. Then on the tenth
our squadron reached the land of the Lotus-eaters,
people who eat the lotus, mellow fruit and flower.
We disembarked on the coast, drew water there
and crewmen snatched a meal by the swift ships.
Once we’d had our fill of food and drink I sent
a detail ahead, two picked men and a third, a runner,
to scout out who might live there—men like us perhaps,
who live on bread? So off they went and soon enough
they mingled among the natives, Lotus-eaters, Lotus-eaters
who had no notion of killing my companions, not at all,
they simply gave them the lotus to taste instead …
Any crewmen who ate the lotus, the honey-sweet fruit,
lost all desire to send a message back, much less return,
their only wish to linger there with the Lotus-eaters,
grazing on lotus, all memory of the journey home
dissolved forever.The Odyssey
Does it ring a bell? It did to me. The passage of time is slow and arrested and one is unconscious about the world outside, too much intoxicated with the world within the walls of the casino. My Thoughts were the casino and Negativity and Darkness played me well by introducing me to the Sloth; that was my lotus flower. Percy and his friends became the lotus eaters hypnotized in merry-making. On the fifth day Percy breaks the spell and comes to senses as his father Poseidon speaks to him in his mind. That is the Percy Jackson Effect, when one is resurrected and reborn like the phoenix. The moment you recognize the comforting and delicious lotus flower snack around you, you no longer would be a lotus eater; thus breaking the spell you find the light. Not a tiny blinker ray of light but a rain of mellow, warm, and melting rays. As if the mellowed-tepid sun has embraced one in a meadow. One could still feel a pain as the sweet purple blemished skin (in and out) radiates in the glow of light. The shackles would disappear, but could faintly be felt until it dies gently.
i thought it is easy. To write it down in my head, shove it under the pillow and sleep wearing a smile. i thought a lot and that is causing it the most. My endearing silence. Silence has brought me closer to my thoughts. They were clearer a decision ago, a noise ago. “Silencing the audibility of my words to the world will calm the wreck”, i thought. “Giving them the voice and audibility only in my thoughts will settle the chaos”, i thought again. i kept holding extempore, debates, speeches in my thoughts. i was the participant, i was the fellow competitor, and also the judge. i kept needling and kept thinking. There was a serious lack of his words and of course he couldn’t enter my thinking hat when he never could fill the lack in the actual world of words. The thoughts were first unfriendly and then very friendly, it was like a political strategy to my metamorphosis. To my ultimate transformation. Thinking was less of an activity, it no longer was a verb or an adjective. It just became a person, a noun. “Thinking kills slowly”, i started to understand.
What kind of thinking? There are a good number of meditative people who silence their outerior self and find peace. What do they think or how do they console the competitions going on inside is something i did not have time to work on. i waited days in a struggle of a strange kind. A struggle involving patience and loosing it. My silence did not linger on for long; the internal game plan couldn’t resist its volume. The voices began to turn thunderous. Thinking started conceiving more thoughts, pregnant with negativity. The cracks started to show and it looked like i had reached at the end of the tunnel only to meet paranoia of darkness. Negativity with its mother, Thinking, blocked all the light. There the second child took its baby steps and was ready to swallow me with its black pseudo-pod. Darkness always is hungry, it’s gluttony can never be satisfied. And i was the food they reserved for their pampered child, Darkness.
claustrophobia and paranoia caught me breathless and all i could now do was wait for the wreck to end and take a never-ending leap; it was depression. Pulse rate low enough to keep a count and heart beats hammering painfully. “i need water”, i said exasperatingly as i couldn’t think of succumbing to the pain. But what could be done. What possibly could water solve. Water couldn’t soak my parched soul. i went on to feed myself to the darkness and soon he saw it. And this continued; the feed and the observation. “You are constantly shadowed down by a cloud of darkness”, he observed. “What is it that you’re hiding”, he never inquired.
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