i missed light. i missed the very warmth of the sun. It seemed like forever to me without that golden gleam. i always had been scared of suffocation and almost allergic to darkness. It was planned. Thinking was pulled effortlessly by its child, Negativity. i hadn’t still realized that the mother of all the suffering was my thinking that became a being of its own. An actual personification. It was meant to happen, i couldn’t believe how life could turn upside down at this point. It appeared unfair and unexpected. It indeed was unfair, expectations started to die gradually. Indifference glided in the scenario soon enough when the darkness stopped eating me. The sloth, born after darkness, was a friend in need, or was it? The comfort it allowed me was like a gift. Sleep seemed light. i felt lighter by the weight of Thinking, Negativity, and Darkness. i could just put aside all the all the torture for the sake of sloth. Sloth was a pain-killer and yes, temporary.
Procrastinating the Negativity in sloth was easy. At least there was a relief for a time being. i knew that sloth is one of the seven deadly sins and yes i could be a sinner; who isn’t. But for me sloth sat on my lap like a kitty i never had, a pet i would like to play chase game with. And We did play. It chased me, i chased it. Meeting with sloth was like a moment of glory. i wrestled with the world of words in and out of myself and got defeated with Negativity and Darkness. But it didn’t matter as i loved to lose the most by sloth. There was a surrender and i had no sense of being trapped. The bars behind which i was, the metal steels bars which had locked me inside, and the stern jailers ceased to be unfriendly.
In life we all would meet our self at that certain point, which i believe we all do arrive sooner or later, which would be like a prison. For me it was then. Suddenly i was caught hold and struck with my negative thoughts and it brought me hell on earth. Satan after being thrown away from the garden of Eden did say something similar to this situation i was in. He said, “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, and hell of heaven”. i had been imprisoned in my own prison, i had strangulated my mind, soul, and body.
i divide my Prison Diary into three phases. First is the Unconscious Capture where unknowingly you lock yourself up and hide the key of happiness in some safe place only to forget it in a strange kind of amnesia later. Second is the Panic of the Unknown which is pitiable. Here lies all the torment which one can later fear to travel back, it blocks memory of the happy times and curse the smile. Third is the Stockholm Syndrome and also called Capture-bonding, it basically is a psychological term where the hostage develops an intimacy with its captor mostly for survival. This phase is risky, one may break out of it or might just never. But they say, “nothing lasts forever”, and thus there is an additional phase of prison-hood called The Percy Jackson Effect. This needs explaining. i saw a movie in my third phase which actually redirected me to my fourth and thus i named the phase after the character in the lead. Percy Jackson and the Olympians : The Lightening Thief was the one movie i accidentally watched, though i didn’t see the whole movie but the scene i was required to. Percy and his friends are in a casino. Being in a casino isn’t bizarre but being there for five days and having no clue about it is. The movie is based on Greek mythology and had its influence from the same source. In search of the third pearl (part of his conquest) he is taken to Lotus Casino in Las Vegas where he and his two friends eat Lotus flowers (a snack served in the casino). This Lotus flower snack is a spell to forget the reason to leave the casino and stay there forever.
Nine whole days
I was borne along by rough, deadly winds
on the fish-infested sea. Then on the tenth
our squadron reached the land of the Lotus-eaters,
people who eat the lotus, mellow fruit and flower.
We disembarked on the coast, drew water there
and crewmen snatched a meal by the swift ships.
Once we’d had our fill of food and drink I sent
a detail ahead, two picked men and a third, a runner,
to scout out who might live there—men like us perhaps,
who live on bread? So off they went and soon enough
they mingled among the natives, Lotus-eaters, Lotus-eaters
who had no notion of killing my companions, not at all,
they simply gave them the lotus to taste instead …
Any crewmen who ate the lotus, the honey-sweet fruit,
lost all desire to send a message back, much less return,
their only wish to linger there with the Lotus-eaters,
grazing on lotus, all memory of the journey home
Does it ring a bell? It did to me. The passage of time is slow and arrested and one is unconscious about the world outside, too much intoxicated with the world within the walls of the casino. My Thoughts were the casino and Negativity and Darkness played me well by introducing me to the Sloth; that was my lotus flower. Percy and his friends became the lotus eaters hypnotized in merry-making. On the fifth day Percy breaks the spell and comes to senses as his father Poseidon speaks to him in his mind. That is the Percy Jackson Effect, when one is resurrected and reborn like the phoenix. The moment you recognize the comforting and delicious lotus flower snack around you, you no longer would be a lotus eater; thus breaking the spell you find the light. Not a tiny blinker ray of light but a rain of mellow, warm, and melting rays. As if the mellowed-tepid sun has embraced one in a meadow. One could still feel a pain as the sweet purple blemished skin (in and out) radiates in the glow of light. The shackles would disappear, but could faintly be felt until it dies gently.